I know I'm not the most mature person. I know I have a hard time maintaining anything. Relationships. Jobs. Life. I freak out, start getting sick. I've never, EVER been able to maintain anything ever. Not even hobbies and things I like. Not in the 20 years I've been alive.
JD was the first thing ever I mananged to commit myself to. For over a year. And I thought it was perfect. I thought nothing would go wrong.
I guess I was mistaken. I'm not a healthy. I'm flighty. I get scared. I get scared ALOT. Over stupid crap. So after job and job again failed, I was too scared to go back to it. I started relying on other people. I fell into a depressive slump. The only thing that kept me going was JD.
When JD lost his job, it was a shock to the system. He needed me, I had to keep trying. I started cleaning around the house, looking for places to live, actively working on social security and other welfare. I hated the area, it bothered me to go outside where there were busy intersections and poor crosswalks, and crime. I wanted to move somewhere there was a chance to get a job, in a nice section of a nice town.
Thats why I looked at my sisters place. It was a place I felt safe, closer to my parents. Area wise at least. It was going to be okay, we were going to move in there and everything. There were plans.
Then JD got this hope of a job from this other place, a company that would have kept us where we were. That bothered me, but I was willing to wait to hear back. It did bother me a lot. I was selfishly hoping he wouldn't get it the whole time, even as I was hoping he would for himself.
After I heard from JD that Sye was going to start charging me, I freaked out again. That was really the breaking point. Owing people more money, feeling like I was being manipulated, and no one even asked my opinion, they were just putting it on my tab.
So I left. JD was the -only- thing keeping me there, and sometimes love isn't enough. I wanted him to come, but I needed to space myself. With him fighting his depression, he leaned on me a lot and I felt like I was under stress. It was all selfish really, I made mistakes.
I'm not gonna claim I was always in the right. I know I made a lot of mistakes.
So I moved in with my sisters, started applying for jobs even though I was terrified of it and had no hope. Cleaned up this craphole of an apartment. Dealt with my sisters aggression. Waited for JD.
When JD finally was able to visit me, it seemed like everything was going okay. But he seemed so upset. He was upset at having to lose his stuff, when he moved in with me. I needed him, I had no hestitance in begging him to come. Please.
It was silly stuff, like the drawers he had since childhood, the sofa from his dad. It was furniture he could live without. It wasn't even his video game collection! I didn't think. I said something wrong. "Do you ever feel bad about being so materialistic?" I asked. I apologized straight after. As soon as it came out of my mouth I realized how awful it sounded. But he held onto it and became bitter.
He said he wouldn't have felt so bad about moving in with his mom and losing all his stuff, because if he moved in here it would have been my fault because I requested him here. Or something like that. It was in the passing but I held onto that too.
Later we had a long conversation. Honestly going back and forth, trying to pick each other apart and straighten things up. I said something that upset, him, I don't remember what. He exclaimed something non-descript and then suddenly got quiet. "I have to stop this line of thought." he said.
I knew what he was thinking. It came up time and time again, even after he said he forgiven me several times. Even though I was trying. "You were going to explode at me for having to support me for those 4 months, weren't you?" I said. He admitted to it. I was really upset at this point.
I asked why he was so bitter at this point, because I was really trying hard. He questioned whether I was really trying. He went into extreme detail asking where and when I turned in applications. I told him honestly, and he was suprised that I had done so much. But it wasn't enough.
He said he needed support that I wasn't giving him. I told him that I was trying, thats why I was here. It really was. I felt like I couldn't at the other place. And while my anger at Sye was the straw that broke the camels back, I was going to be here anyhow. He said it wasn't enough. Because the support wasn't actually here yet.
I can't even remember what all happened next. I was extremely upset. I told him that the relationship wouldn't last if he remained bitter at me. That he needed to take a break to see how much I really meant to him. And that I needed a break too. I was starting to doubt my love for him, I was living life here without missing him that much.
Its so easy to forget and blank out when you aren't together. I needed a break too, to see if I really loved him. I was terrified I wasn't going to but I had to.
Or that was the plan. There were a lot of tears and eventually we just caved and started hugging and and decided not to.
The next morning, he woke me up. Told me Abe Lincoln told him in a dream that he had to take a break. I was kind of out of it, being half asleep and all, and agreed. Soon he left to go home, and that seemed to be it for then.
Then what JD posted on his livejournal, days later, the actual breakup occured.
I was already feeling doubtful about the relationship by then. I'll admit it. But when JD started issuing ultamatins, that things started getting skewed. I got defensive. Its easy for me. Its one of those channels ingrown in my mind that slips when I'm not looking.
But I don't think I made the wrong decision. It hurt like hell. I'm going to miss JD like anything. But he kept demanding things of me, being an equal, in such a vague manner like I had no idea how to go about doing it, that I needed to carry him, and I didn't know what to do.
So if I felt like he was trying to change me, he may have been trying to better me, but the fact he was changing me is not wrong. I've been sick all my life, and a lifetime is hard to change, even within years. JD was getting impatient with me. Ask him yourself. Thats why he was so bitter about having to support me. Thats why he started demanding more and more.
It wasn't enough that I stayed by his side, stopping him from hurting himself when he was sick. That I stood in front of scalding water to protect him from himself. That I was started being a good housewife, that it had become my only dream in life.
I have no dreams now. No place to live, no love, and from what I can tell of how people are reacting, none of the friends I had with JD care a damned about me. I cry myself asleep ever night missing him, even though I know what I did was the right thing. .
I have no direction and no motivation to live. I won't even have my cat soon. Sye, Usagi, lots of people, none of them knew the entire story, at least by my point of view, yet they dared to judge.
I've been sick and unhappy my whole life. There was just a little over a year where I wasn't. I'll never forget that. I'll treasure the memories. I'll keep the photos, and I'll remember JD with a smile.
But don't hate me for being imperfect. Don't hate me for not being strong. Please.